Episode 44 - Parent-Child Relationship And Everything In Between With Parenting Coach, Erika Brunwasser Part 2 (Full Transcript)

This is a full transcript of the Nirvana Sisters podcast Episode 44, Parent-Child Relationship And Everything In Between With Parenting Coach, Erika Brunwasser Part 2.

Editor’s Note: Please know that this podcast transcript is automatically generated and may contain minor errors such as typos and word switches. For more information, be sure to listen to the podcast here or view our podcast episode guide.

Amy: 0:06

Welcome to Nirvana sisters podcast where we take the intimidation out of well being and beauty to help you achieve your highest state your nirvana. We are sisters in law and your hosts. I'm Amy Sherman.

Katie: 0:18

And I'm Katie Chandler. So let's get into some real conversation

Amy: 0:28

Welcome back to the show Nirvana sisters family, we got such an incredible response from parent Coach Erika's episode last week that we decided to add a part two and with some more pieces of feedback tips and tricks to talk to your kids. This one is really about getting advice on some real life scenarios. Really tough topics like sex, how to answer some of your children's more difficult questions, really, really helpful sort of templates, how to approach it, take a listen, and hope you enjoy.

Erika: 1:04

I'm really grateful for my time spent in the schools because yeah, was a window into adolescence, I worked at a charter school in Brooklyn with elementary and I also worked in high school. But for three years, I spent every day with adolescents. And I think having that insight, and they came to me with everything, I mean, everything there is not, I have not seen banging down my door, this Brown was Sorry, gotta talk to you about this, because BrahMos are going to do about this. And having that insight is so important for knowing and having foresight into what I want to develop and not develop in my own kids. And it's not going to be perfect. By the way, they're going to have plenty of their own should write

Amy: 1:46

a book. I'm sorry, the things I learned from middle schoolers. And I think

Erika: 1:51

that I've mentioned things to friends about, well, I don't want this to happen in the future. And I don't want this to happen in the future. And it kind of looks like anxiety like Erica, why are you worried about that? They're there. They're three? Like, what are you talking about getting a phone at 10? They're not three? Or what do you mean, they're gonna work crop tops when they're 12. They're three and six. Because I know what's coming. And we there are so many intentional things we can do in our families in the younger years to set up our family for connection and for success. And starting young is is a great way to do it. And I'm not saying it's too late once they're teenagers. But knowing that every night at nine o'clock phones go in the basket and having them see you do it. Yeah, will be much easier when they turn 11 to say, I'm giving you this phone, and it goes in the basket every night at nine o'clock. No ifs, ands, or buts or eight o'clock or whatever.

Amy: 2:50

I've fucked all that up. Lately, like, I started off good phone contracts the whole thing but now it's like a frickin shit show.

Erika: 2:59

It's just like, like, we're all we're all going through it. I'm not Yeah, I'm not perfect. You know how they say like, the shoemakers kid has no shoes. Yeah,

Amy: 3:08

I'm not always fine now. Like, in my head, like, I have my phone contracts. And it like worked for a little while. But now, with my 15 year old Forget it. Like if I asked him to put his phone away at nine o'clock. We used to do that. But now it's like, he has a girlfriend. He's this he's that like, I mean, it's in his room every night. And I've like given up and that's bad, but I can't it's like I gotta pick my battles

Erika: 3:28

your battles. Yeah, and, and nothing's perfect. And small progress is still progress. So maybe a night a week that you guys are just hanging out together and phones are away. And that's that has an impact.

Amy: 3:41

But we instituted like, no video games for my older son during the week. And for my younger one. It was like, I think we had like two days where they he can't play video games or something. And that's worked because it's been consistent.

Katie: 3:57

Yeah, that's great. If it's consistent, right? Isn't that what matters? Yeah.

Amy: 4:01

Katie, I want to hear your question about Maddie and what she asked.

Katie: 4:05

Okay, so that's that's a good segue. Why don't we Why don't we do some like quick scenarios and some of these can go really really deep so Okay, with as much as I would love we'll have to have you come back for round two? Sure.

Amy: 4:22

Feel like I've been like dumping all my problems? No, it's an appointment 100%

Katie: 4:30

Alright, so quick scenarios and how and how you you know, your quick advice on it. But we'll start with with what Amy said. So the other day, Madeline, my eight year old who's eight? What feels like going on 20 It's freaking terrifying. came to me and said, Mommy, what is a stripper? And I might hit the floor and I said to her Where did you hear that word? And she said I heard it on a teacher's ringtone which is code for or is code for? I heard it on probably a fifth graders ringtone on the bus ran because I Yeah, who's this teacher? What do they look like? She couldn't give me anything. Yeah, yeah, we didn't I didn't even worry about that the little white lie fine. My first reaction was, I don't know that word. And then I said, Oh, I think they're talking about a candy striper. That's a type of nurse. Then I ran to my bedroom and texted Erica, what the hell do I do? So, Erica gave me fantastic advice, and it worked in.

Amy: 5:37

Okay, so what was this advice?

Erika: 5:39

Okay, so, number one, I will tell you that I've had time to prep my answer to this question, because you did come to me with this a few days ago. So it's not as quick as some of my other answers might be. And I hope that that's okay. I want to cover a bunch of stuff that I think is important here. It can be about a stripper, it can be about what is depression, it can be about what is war? What is sex? This is my formula for everything. Okay. Okay. For number one, I love it. You thank your kid, thank you for coming to me with this. That was not easy to do. And I know that. And I trust you and you trust me, and I'm here for you. You were brave. You number one, you have to reinforce it. But for specifically for the stripper question. I think this answer is very much going to depend on the family's values, cultural norms, expectations. And the reason that I am thinking about this is because we're here and puritanical America is at the highest, purest country in America, where we cover up and we, you know, we don't strip and whatever. However, maybe someone in France thinks it's okay to be a burlesque dancer, right? You know. And I think that just in the same way that I work with clients, not to put my values on them, but to help them raise their children with their values. This is similar. So you want to show your kid, you know, that there are different ways of life without being too judgmental. However, because of everything that is going on in our world, raising a kid in 2022, is not the same as it was raising a kid 20 years ago. And it's not the same as it was raising a kid 40 years ago. And when a kid comes to you, with something like this, you should absolutely take the opportunity to share your values, and use it as a learning experience. Because they have so much unlimited access to information, right. And if you don't take the opportunity to educate them about what's right, and your family and what's not, they will make their own conclusions. And that's why it's so important to be able to set a tone, where in your house, you do talk about these things. So by thanking them, thank you for coming to me with this, you know, it's really, it's really setting them up or having said that, take it as an opportunity for for teaching and for sharing the values that you want them to grow up with, and have in your family, but be as factual as possible. And I think this is really important, depending on the age of the kid too. Because people always offer up so much information, they start to feel nervous, oh my god stuff. And they just share everything about a stripper that they ever knew in the world. But guess what, when a five year old asks what a stripper is, it's different than how you would answer a 10 year old, right? Which is different than how you would answer a 15 year old. And so I think being as factual as possible is really important. So a stripper is a word for some grown ups, who have a job where they take their clothes off and show their bodies to other people. That is a fact. So thank them for coming to you. Tell them the factual information, define it for them, and then share your values and your in the way you want to educate them. So it's not a job that I agree with, or it's not a job that I think is okay. It's it's not a job that I would hope for you to have one day, you're going to have your choice to do lots of other jobs. And, and you can remind them depending on the age as well. And you should remind them and when a question like this, that our bodies are private, we keep our bodies private, we respect our bodies, you know, we don't share our private areas with other people. So especially with an eight year old, this is something I would want to incorporate into this conversation. I wouldn't necessarily necessarily say it to a 16 year old because they already know that, you know, hopefully right? And you know, if they ask you more you answer and then at the end you always close it with I am here for you. And you can ask me anything else about this. Always.

Katie: 9:44

That's exactly what I did with Madeline and first of all, she was like salivating when I went to say I'm gonna tell you what this is. So she sat on my lap and she had a smile on her face like, Oh, this is gonna be good. Like that's totally what was happening. thing. And then I went through all of that everything that Erica just said in my own words, and she walked away with them was just like, Okay, mommy, I understand. Okay, thank you. And like, it's awesome.

Amy: 10:14

You went back into the room and you said like, thank you.

Katie: 10:18

Day, I told her I said, I Googled this, to find out what it is, which I don't know if like, that's good or not. But I'd already told her I didn't know what that word was. My track? Yeah. So and yeah, and it hasn't come up since. And she Yeah, I mean, it's and I, when you

Amy: 10:37

said like, this is something that I don't think is a good job. And you did it. Like, did she understand that? Like, what did she what were her reactions? Sure

Katie: 10:47

you understood it because I said, and Erica helped me on this one that like, not all adults make good choices, you know, like, we can all make bad choices.

Erika: 10:58

And it's because they're grown up doesn't mean they're always making the right choice, right. And then sometimes they don't have a choice. And you are going to go to college, and you're going to have a choice of jobs. Exactly. Some people don't have a choice about how they make money. And they feel desperate. I mean, they're depending on the age and things like that interesting,

Katie: 11:13

you know, and I also, I also interjected with one thing that I'm not sure if it was right or not, but I said, you know, mommy, like mommy and daddy would never want this job for you, you come from a very loving home. And sadly, not all grown ups always come from a loving home or have a have a supportive life coming up in the world. And so that has kind of led them to make these difficult bad choices. And I said, you have a very loving mommy and daddy that, you know, it's like, I don't know, I just it was kind of just like me more, make sure like honing it in that it's not anything that would ever interest her or she would even would be unnecessary or need or on the table. Like that

Erika: 11:51

part might be different with a 13 year old, right? Because they might say, you know, well, what if this makes me feel good, and you would explore what makes them feel good? What makes them feel respected? What doesn't? And you would explore? Well, you know, how do you feel about a five men standing around and looking at your body? Let's talk about that. This happens with a stripper, you know, you would, depending on the age, it's different. And then you're gonna talk about? Well, I think it's very powerful to share your own story. Sometimes you don't want to tell everything. But when I decided that a boy was going to see my body and my private areas, and by the way, I like to use real anatomy. Yes. Usually, when I decided that my boyfriend was going to see my vagina, by the way, vagina is not a bad word. It's a medical term for something that's on our body. And my breasts, I was in a relationship with that person. He was my boyfriend, we trusted each other, we loved each other, I felt comfortable with him. And I loved taking my shirt off with him, because I knew that he was going to be there for me, and he thought I was beautiful. And I felt beautiful. So depending on whether they're 515, eight, whatever, and all the conversation is gonna look different. Yeah. And the number one thing is, we're open enough that we want them to, you know, feel comfortable coming back, because if not, they're going to google it. They're going to figure it out on the bus. Exactly. We're going to come up with some weird explanation. You want to be the one to deliver it with your values, because you're raising a kid based on your values.

Katie: 13:31

Right? That is a great segue into sex. And I feel like you kind of just, like touched on it a little bit. But how do you talk to a kid about sex? I mean, my Madeline has. In second grade. She went to a Catholic private school last year, wonderful school, but they did send her home with a sexual abuse pamphlet in second grade, which I didn't really feel was super. Oh my god. Yeah. So when I didn't know that, at that point, and so I didn't say the word sex. It did. Yeah. And so she said, Mommy, what's sexual what sex mean? Like what sexual because what she meant, gosh, what abuse was, but she didn't understand that part. And so I just explained it to her in a very anatomically like scientific way. It's like Mommy has the egg Daddy has the fertilizer like that

Erika: 14:15

time. First of all, we have to acknowledge that sex is here to stay, guys. It's here. It's not going anywhere. Right? If you want your kids, just like with everything else, I've said, If you want your kids to internalize your values, and be educated by you, then you have to be open to talking about these things. Plain and simple. What you say sends a message and what you don't say sends a message. And it's very clear, and they absorb it and they know what they can come to mom with and what they can't or mom and dad and whoever. Right. So you have to you have to strive to make your house A place where they can come to you with anything or else Or else they will find it somewhere else. So with sex, I would be as factual as possible, especially with the young ones if they hear about it. sexes. My daughter actually asked me recently, something like was I was in your tummy and then I came out of your tummy. And I was like, yeah. And but how did I get in your Tomic? And I said, and that's a common one that parents get all tripped. They're not asking you to, like, tell you about your craziest sexual experience that you ever had one night in college like, asking you though, they're asking you, How did I get in your tummy? What is the answer? a sperm and an egg came together. And that is how you are in my tummy. Men have sperm in their bodies. Women have eggs in their bodies. And they come together, and they make a baby. And by the way, this accounts for differences in how people have babies too. Because some people, you know, don't have a mom and a dad, some people have two moms, some people have two dads, some people are from sperm donors, some are adopted. The fact is, for every single human being on this planet, a sperm and egg has come together to make a baby. Then if they ask you more, you go deeper.

Katie: 16:14

Yeah, that's great. That's That's it? Yeah, that's that's kind of how I was thinking about it. When Madeline came to me just like facts and like science. Right? You know,

Amy: 16:24

I mean, that's what happened with us with our kids, and also in school. And fifth grade is when at least here is when they do that subject. And they do it very science oriented. But they tell you before, so you can have that conversation before they actually learn it at school, which I think is really helpful. You know, speaking, speaking of googling things, this is a friend of mine years and years ago, Katie, you know, this friend, but I won't, I won't say who it is. Her daughter was asking her at a very young age what sex was and she kept. I'll tell you later, we'll talk about it later. Because when her daughter would ask would be like, in the middle of something that they were doing that like they were in a store, or they were you know, it wasn't like the appropriate moment. And she kind of ignored it a couple of times. And then her daughter, Google that. And porn came into her face. And she freaked out. Yeah. And it was like such a lesson one, I'd heard that because my kids were younger at the time. I was like, Oh, my God, that's so scary. And she's a very communicative mother. It's just like, you know, sometimes you just blow things off. And you don't think about the consequences of what that could mean.

Katie: 17:29

And you also don't necessarily know how big your child's curiosity is about it.

Amy: 17:33

Right? And you might hear it and ask once, and then she probably figured out they're not going to ask me again. Yeah, it's yeah, one quick thing. I'll say, my little one asked one time was asking me about sex or talking out about it. And I said, Oh, do you know what that is? And he said, Yeah. And I said, Okay, what would you think it is? And he said, Well, it's when a man and a woman get naked, and they take a bath together. And I said, okay, like, I didn't like clarify it. I just at that time, sort of just because sometimes they'll say things that they don't even know like, they think they know what it is, but they don't. And they said, I think

Erika: 18:11

when a kid thinks that and they want to know more, they'll come to you and say, Well, I thought it was this, but really what is it? And that's when they're ready to know, right? Yeah.

Amy: 18:20

Yeah. So it's just funny, because they'll say things that they think they know. But they actually don't. Right.

Katie: 18:25

Yeah, yeah. Well, okay, before we wrap, there's just there's two quick things that I want to hit. Yeah, Erica says this quote of hers that I love, and it really resonates with me and I, our listeners have to hear it. Because we all are busy parents all the time. And you know, it's like, maybe on a Saturday, when there's no work going on. And the kids are in the house. And it's like, okay, oh, I've got so much to do, I've got it, I gotta do the laundry, I gotta get caught up on this go up. The kids are here, I gotta, I gotta I have to be at the kids. Eric has quote is I have to be with my kids all day, versus I get to be with my kids all day. It's just like a little flip in the mindset that it really impactful. And it really, it was, like, last weekend, it was it kept going in my head because I could have been doing the things that I needed to do. But then I said that to myself, and it just like changed everything. And I was like I like enthralled in the kids. And we'd love that they're, you know, so anyway, it's a great one. I love that.

Amy: 19:30

I love that. Yeah, I

Erika: 19:31

think just reframing is such a such a big part of what I do with my clients, like, just just, you know, taking in as much positive stuff about them as you can and think of all the people who don't get to be with their kids for whatever reason, or, you know, just I think that we have to just look at them with the most positive light that we can and the more we appreciate them, the more they feel that and it's just like, the goodness gross

Katie: 19:57

Yes. 100% Okay.

Amy: 20:00

Yeah, I love that. And I, it's funny because I think we talked about this on another episode recently, but we were talking about like, mindset and like framing things differently. I've never really thought it as much. Well, I guess I have thought about myself more. But like if my kids will say that to go to school today, and I'm like, you get to go to school today, you're lucky that you get to go to school and not everybody, you know, so, yeah, it's really I love that. That's great.

Katie: 20:23

All right. Well, Erica, how can our listeners find you? Because now they're all going to be knocking down your door? Yeah, I was

Amy: 20:29

just gonna say do you do virtuals

Erika: 20:32

Of course, we've been doing zoom with clients, I google meet whatever floats your boat. I have an Instagram, which is parent coach, Erica Erica with the K. parent coach, e ri K. And anyone can look at that I share a lot of content there. Like you mentioned, Katie. I am working on my website, which is going to be parent coach erica.com, I believe but it's in the process. And you can email me at Erica Braun, Wasser, e ri K A B as in boy, are you NWASSE are@gmail.com

Katie: 21:12

Fabulous. And we'll have all of that in our show notes. Awesome. And trust me, you're gonna want to reach out to Erica.

Amy: 21:19

Oh, I'll be reaching out.

Katie: 21:22

Alright, so let's do our quick wrap session. Erica. It's just some fun questions. What is your favorite wellness or beauty hack?

Erika: 21:30

So I don't know if you guys know about Beautycounter. It's an amazing brand that has been developed by this awesome CEO Greg Renfrew in California. And it was the goal was to make cosmetics and skincare without 1500 of the most toxic ingredients that are commonly found in our in our skincare. And I sold it for a while and now I've just hooked it. I love it. Oh, nice. Really awesome. Is that Yeah, it's

Amy: 21:59

um, it's all vegan, right? Not vegan or organic,

Erika: 22:04

free of, of harmful chemicals. And it's really high performing to like, I find that it works just as well as the department store stuff. And it makes me feel good because I know that I'm doing something healthy for my skin when I put it on. Nice. Yeah, I love this. Oh, thank you.

Amy: 22:22

Podcast with the founder of beauty counter because I wanted to try it. They have like, it's like their own line, right? Because, yes,

Erika: 22:29

but she but it's awesome. And it's also you're supporting a small woman owned business when you buy from them because it has Alton's. It's just a great it's a really cool brand. Like I've heard

Amy: 22:41

it's really good. Yeah,

Katie: 22:42

I love that. Okay, so this next one we call our five minute flow. You just got out the shower, Uber, ping do the five minutes away. What are you going to do to get out the door? And in that cat, like, what are your holy girls? What are you gonna throw on and get in that car on time?

Erika: 22:57

Okay, so if I only have five minutes, I'm really hoping it's the summertime because I don't know if this is five minutes. I'm going out with wet hair and letting it dry. So hopefully it's summer. And I would just you know, put on my my face lotion, a little concealer, some eyeliner, little lip gloss a dress sandals and call it a day.

Katie: 23:20

Nice. Yep,

Amy: 23:22

we need some summer. I know. All right, now we're ready to the sun. And how do you maintain your daily nirvana?

Erika: 23:29

Well, I would love to say that I attained nirvana every day. Myself. And even though I seem, you know, calm, cool and collected. It's not so easy when you're raising a three and six year old but I will say I take a lot of breaks. And I am not ashamed to say, you know, your whole podcast is about self care. And when I heard that when I first met Katie and heard about it, I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes, we need self care. And I am not ashamed that I take breaks. I go get a 20 minute foot massage at the nail place. I do what I got to do. And thank God for my husband because he's extremely supportive. He is really my partner. He's my he's a team player. He takes over and does stuff with the girls all the time. And I'm like, gotta Garcia. I love them out. Mommy's going to the grocery store.

Katie: 24:24

All right, Eric, I love everything you just said we could not agree with you more. The breaks are super important. So having said that, let's close with our mantra.

Amy: 24:32

So the mantra is, smile. It's good for your immune system.

Katie: 24:38

Oh, I like that. Yeah, reminder.

Amy: 24:41

Yeah, great. I that was posted by a company that I just got some like supplements from called symbiotic AKA, I don't know if it's their quote, or they just don't know. I saw it on their Instagram recently. And I was like, Oh, I love that. That's great.

Katie: 24:54

Love. Yeah, smiling right now. All right, well, Erin co brandmeister. parent coach spectacular. I thank you so much for being here.

Amy: 25:01

Thank you so much.

Erika: 25:03

This is so fun guy.

Amy: 25:05

I feel like I vented everything that I needed to then and now I

Erika: 25:11

need to God we gotta get absolutely

Amy: 25:13

or Yeah, no, it's great. Thank you again. Thanks for listening to Nirvana sisters. For more information on this episode check out the show notes please subscribe and leave us a review. also find us on Instagram at Nirvana sisters. If you loved what you just listened to or know someone that would please share it and tag us. Tune in next week for a fresh new episode of Nirvana sisters will continue to watch out for all things well now so you don't have to. Bye.