Episode 145 - How to Get Your Teenager Talking with You, Boost Their Confidence and Motivation, and Navigate Those Cringe Moments featuring Teen life coach Will Elliott (Full Transcript)

This is a full transcript of the Nirvana Sisters podcast Episode 145.

[00:07] Amy Sherman: Welcome to Nirvana Sisters podcast, where we take the intimidation out of well being and beauty to help you achieve your highest state, your nirvana. We are sisters in law and your hosts. I'm Amy Sherman.

[00:18] Katie Chandler: And I'm Katie Chandler. So let's get into some real conversation.

[00:27] Amy Sherman: Welcome back to the show, Nirvana Sisters family. It's Amy and Katie, and we are so excited for today's guest. And let me tell you about him before we get into it. Will Elliott is one of the world's top life coaches for teens and is dedicated to helping the next generation live confident, bold, and purpose driven lives. He coaches teens and parents, helping them develop unshakable confidence and indestructible character so they can take action to become truly unstoppable. He's passionate about making personal growth fun for kids and taking the stress out of parenting by teaching parents to connect effectively with their teens. And this subject is so relevant for our audience and us. We both have. I have two boys. One is 17 and, well, one's almost 17 and 14. And Katie has two girls, ten. And how old's Reese? 610 and six. So she's like preteen. I'm in the thick of it. And for our audience, I found will just online on Instagram. He has incredible content. So if you haven't checked out his homepage, if you haven't checked out his instagram, we'll put a link in our show notes. But such good advice. Literally, a lot of the things you have in there, I'll do. You'll be like, text your teenager this. And I'll be like, oh, my God, I'm going to text jackson this. But such good info. So, will, why don't you just jump? First of all, welcome to the show. Tell us a little bit about your background and how you got into this, because I just think your perspective is so refreshing.

[02:02] Will Elliott: Yes. So it's a very long story, but I think the best summarization is I wanted to become the leader that I wish I had when I was in high school. And I know that sounds pretty cringey or cliche, but I was so desperate for someone to give me life principles that I could use to improve my confidence, teach me how to set goals, not in a cringy way, and stop procrastinating, get off video games, all these different things that I was really, really needing as a middle school and high school boy. I just started posting content on social media, giving that advice that I wish I had. And so now I've grown an audience of parents, mostly. So I find myself being the middleman. That's the best way to describe myself, is I'm the relatable, fun one for the kids, but I'm also a little bit older and more mature than an average teenager, and I just communicate what they're feeling and what their needs are to parents, and I think they appreciate that perspective. So, yeah, that's a little bit about my background. I've been doing it for about five years now and absolutely love every single day. I've helped thousands of kids, mainly with confidence and a lot of other things, too. So, yeah, thanks again for having me. Great.

[03:17] Katie Chandler: Yeah, I'm excited.

[03:18] Amy Sherman: Yeah. Thank you for all of your knowledge and wisdom. We really are savoring it. I guess there's so many things to talk about. I feel like we could go everywhere, in all directions. But I guess the first thing is you were saying about you talk to a lot of teens, and how do you just get your teen to just talk with you and tell you what's on their mind? I mean, I have boys, right? And they're very different. One is less talkative, one's more talkative. But just, like, how do you kind of get them out of their shell and less one word answers and that kind of stuff?

[03:52] Will Elliott: Great question.

[03:53] Amy Sherman: Yeah.

[03:54] Will Elliott: I was definitely the kid that rolled my eyes when my mom asked me how was my day? I was like, mom, I don't want to talk about anything. Or I would just say, I don't know. And I feel like that's what most parents kind of tell me. And so I think the first thing is lower your expectations, especially the teenage boys. I think lowering expectations of how much they open up to you about their relationships at school or their friends or what's happening at school, their grades. I think lowering expectations and balancing that with asking them those questions while they're doing something they enjoy. So this is what we always, or what I coach, is indirect communication. So using the opportunities, like in the car, shooting hoops outside. My parents asked me the deepest questions when we were shooting baskets because they knew that I would open up rather than, let's say, at a dinner table with my siblings around. But they knew when I was having fun and when I was doing something that I enjoyed, I would be more willing to open up about things, and I probably didn't even know about it. So I would say using indirect communication, lowering expectations, also talking to them about their interests, just creates a safe space for them to feel seen, heard, loved, and understood, which obviously opens up the door for you to ask a little bit more personal questions about things that you want to know. Maybe they don't naturally open up about.

[05:22] Katie Chandler: It's very true. The piece of talking to them when they're doing something that they enjoy. And I've noticed that with my girls from the time that they were really little until even now, they like to do arts and crafts. So we'll be doing that a lot, and we'll start talking, and then that's next thing I know, it's all coming out right, but versus when you're sitting at the dinner table, they feel like they're put on the spot or something, and they don't want everybody else to listen. Or even in the car, they feel like they're locked in.

[05:53] Amy Sherman: Right. Trapped, yeah, for sure. I find that when I play video games, or at least sit downstairs in the basement with my kids when they're playing video games, I definitely get more insight into what's going on.

[06:08] Will Elliott: Yeah, I think we're all like that, too, not just teenagers.

[06:12] Amy Sherman: Totally.

[06:13] Will Elliott: Yeah. I'm a big supporter, and I'm very convicted. And if we talk to teenagers like we talk to other humans, and when we approach teenagers, like we want to be approached as adults, that's ultimately what they're craving the most. That's what a teenager is all about, is they want to be independent. And even though they're not an adult, they want to be treated like an adult. And so using those small things, like, what do we open up or when do we open up the most? And just asking them to do the kind of the same thing, I think that always helps.

[06:40] Katie Chandler: All right, so I want to know, what's some of your advice for getting teens motivated and staying motivated? I mean, I feel know mine are younger than yours, Amy, but I'm sure you could speak to this better than I can. They seem to have so much on their plate all the time, and there's so many extracurriculars, and there's so many demands at school. I'm sure it's really. I remember it was really hard to stay motivated. It's also, you want to just have fun when you're a teen. Right? So what are some tricks there?

[07:11] Will Elliott: Yeah. My perspective on motivation is very different, and I am not a huge believer in motivation. I know that I have not gotten where I am today because of motivation. I think a lot of kids and a lot of people are under the assumption that they need motivation in order to take action, where, in reality, action is the thing that usually gives motivation. And so when we can help kids kind of shift the perspective and help them just take action even when they're not motivated. And I have a lot of tips around that. But I think as the parent shifting your perspective towards, I don't want to motivate my teenager, but instead I want to help them build momentum. I want to help them build action. And I'm going to do that by praising little things that they're doing. Well, then the more that they do that, it's kind of like going to the gym. When you go to the gym and you start seeing progress, even when you maybe just start out going to the gym, you're not crazy motivated. But when you start seeing progress, you start to get more motivated. You're like, oh, this stuff is actually working. I actually want to go back. It makes me feel good. So action leads to motivation rather than the other way around. So I think the more we can build Momentum, that's the secret.

[08:21] Amy Sherman: Yes. Give us an example. How do you do that? How do you help them to build momentum?

[08:28] Will Elliott: Yes. And that's kind of the question that always comes after what I just explained. And so I'll leave it at this. Most students, or I'll start with this, most students really feel as though they can't do anything right. And I've had thousands of conversations with kids, with teenagers, and they feel bombarded by this idea that everything that they're doing is not good and definitely not good enough. And that's really exhausting. We don't like when we are bombarded with that message. So from school, from sports, social media is the biggest thing. And so I think the more that we catch kids doing things right, catching teenagers doing even the littlest thing correct. When my parents caught me, or let's say, said, hey, will, I notice that you got up on your first alarm this morning. That was really awesome. It subconsciously gave me kind of this hit of, oh, wow, I actually did something right for once. You're pointing it out. And obviously parents catch kids doing things right a lot, but I think being really intentional about it is how you build momentum. The more that you catch them doing little things right, the more they're going to want to do those little things right. Hence leading to bigger opportunities to do big.

[09:43] Katie Chandler: Had Erica Brunwasser. She is a parent coach for kids that are parents that have much younger kids. And she said something very similar and I applied it to my girls and it does, it works really well. What were you going to say, amy?

[09:58] Amy Sherman: I was going to say, it's funny. I try to do that very intentionally. As much as I can sometimes. I'm not always thinking about it, but I do find that I get a little smile if I say, hey, I noticed you did XYZ. That's awesome. I'm proud of you. Whatever. And I have this. I was going to bring it up later, but I'll bring it up now because I think it's relevant for so many people. I am very much of that mindset. Like, positivity breeds positivity. Motivation breeds motivation. Like every little tiny thing. What if your partner, AK, my husband, and probably others husbands or wives are not on the same page? He's very much. I wouldn't say stricter, but more like that type of philosophy he doesn't buy into. He thinks it's like, soft. It's hard because we just have different outlooks.

[10:50] Katie Chandler: Right.

[10:50] Amy Sherman: And so how do you deal with parents who are not always on the same page with how you discipline or how you react to those sorts of things?

[10:59] Will Elliott: Yeah, I mean, you're always going to have a balance, and I think a balance is really important now. For me, I was an athlete, I went division one for a couple of different sports, and I had coaches that didn't catch me doing little things. Right. And I learned certain things from them and I had other coaches that did, and I learned certain things from them. So if you have a partner that doesn't do that, I think it's even more important for you to do that. You obviously can't control them. And so just doing your best to find the balance and knowing that there is good things, there's pros of both. Right. And so I think just having faith that they will get different lessons from different parents.

[11:43] Katie Chandler: Is it kind of like his perspective is you do your chores because you're supposed to do your chores, and then I'm not going to give you a pat on the back. It's your job. Is it more of like, that perspective?

[11:53] Amy Sherman: Yeah. Or like the trash every week? If he doesn't take it out proactively without us reminding him, then that's not good. Where I'm like, well, okay, he forgot, but if I ask him, he does it with no problem. So what's the big. His. His philosophy is more like, well, he should be doing it proactively. We shouldn't have to remind him. He'd been doing it for five years. Why do we have to remind him every week? But every once in a while, he does do it by himself without us telling him. And I'm like, jackson, I loved how you did the trash without us reminding. I. But I like that idea of, like, you're not going to change your partner. They are who they are, and they have their positives and negatives, too, just like I do. So everyone puts a different perspective. It's just like teachers, right? Like, some teachers are amazing for a certain kid's learning style and some aren't. But to your point, they probably learn from both styles in different ways. So it's a really good outlook. I love that.

[12:44] Katie Chandler: It kind of raises the question of if the positive reinforcement is one way, is the other way, sort of teaching a child to have grit, because grit, I think, within children is huge. To be able to persevere through something if they get knocked down, to get back up again and to keep fighting and not just to give up. And my kids, they're not in sports. And I really feel like my ten year old did sports for the first time this past year, and she's learned a piece of some grit from sports activities. And I feel like that can really just get surpassed with children these days. And then it hurts them in the long run because you have to have grit when you're in the working forest, in the real world and everything, right?

[13:33] Will Elliott: Yeah. Grit is my favorite word. It's my favorite thing to talk about. I definitely find it really hard to help kids develop grit just because my kind of definition of grit, the way that my mentor explained it to me when I was in college, is doing things that you don't feel like doing, but knowing it's going to help you with your long term vision. And so it's really just saying no to instant gratification. And I always like to remind parents I had zero grit until college. I mean, late college, I started knocking on doors, doing door to door sales, and I never really had to go through a whole lot of super uncomfortable moments that I would say called for a ton of grit until then. And so just because your kid is not really developing grit that you can see on an everyday basis when they're in high school doesn't mean that they're never going to be gritty. I would say that's one of my biggest strengths. It's led to me doing a lot of things that I'm doing now, and I didn't learn it until later. So I do think that the second parenting style does lead to that. I mean, my dad specifically didn't give me a ton of validation. I had to work really hard for that validation. And that's still something that there are pros and cons to that, of course, but it didn't come naturally to him giving it to me. And I think that probably subconsciously gave me a little bit of grit. But there were more moments, the more that I got older, that gave me clear opportunities to develop it with social.

[15:09] Katie Chandler: Media and the instant gratification of that in the world that we live in today. I feel like these generations, that's even a bigger issue because of that exact reason. It's a little scary, right? They're so used to instant gratification. They're so used to that. Like, or that.

[15:29] Amy Sherman: And so many options, like, oh, this is work. I'll do something else. I also think. And tell me what you think, will. I feel like confidence probably aligns itself with grit. I feel like sometimes my kids will say things that don't sound confident to me, like they wanted to do something. They asked the teacher, and the teacher was like, no. And I was like, well, don't take no for an answer. Go back. And they're like, no, it's okay. And I'm like, well, if they had a bit more confidence, they might go back up to the teacher and say, you know what? I heard you. But XYZ, so I don't know. Do you think they kind of go hand in hand a little bit?

[16:06] Will Elliott: For sure. I would say that, for me, a lot of confidence comes from my faith in myself that I can get over the no's or essentially get over the hardships. And I think a lot of students, they're kind of in the same boat, and they just need to go through those hardships. It takes a long time to learn, like, even in that example, it takes a long time for kids and teenagers to learn to keep persisting through that failure. Right. And so a lot of the things that I see in the parent side of my coaching is that they are fixing a lot of the kids issues, and so that really robs them of opportunities to actually learn those types of things. And so, yeah, I think it just takes a long time for us to develop the, I guess, awareness as well as the maturity to keep persisting through those exact moments. But the more that they practice that, the more that they obviously get gritty and attach that grit to confidence.

[17:08] Amy Sherman: And I'm sure parents are ruining it for a lot of kids, too. I'm sure. You see, like, I see you talk about on your feed all the time, like the helicopter versus the lighthouse parent. Talk about that a little bit.

[17:17] Katie Chandler: Hear that?

[17:18] Will Elliott: Yeah. This is, I think, the best explanation of what I see in kids today for the parent side of things. I see a lot of kids problems. And for all the parents that are listening to this, it is not your fault that you helicopter parent. It's also if your kid isn't confident or let's say if they're not being persistent and they're not developing grit, it's not just the parent's job to bring that out in kids. I mean, the society we live in and the world we live in doesn't really help kids. Right. It's a very difficult time with social media and everything. So it's not just the parents fault. There are different things that you can do. So the best way to describe this is helicopter parents try to fix, and they are primarily the coach of their kids. Now, that is essentially ten plus years of habits that you've had to kind of cultivate in order to get your kids understanding the importance of hygiene and talking to adults. Right? So up until about twelve years old, you've had to kind of be a helicopter parent. They need that to some extent. But it seems like when they reach the tween years and especially the teenage years, it seems like their needs shift and change completely. And so maybe they wake up one morning and they don't want your advice, they roll their eyes and they storm up to their room. And so with their needs changing, your habits, as the parent I've seen need to change as well. And that's where lighthouse parenting comes in, where you need to be more of a counselor rather than a coach. So just be there as their teammate rather than, let's say, a general manager that's calling out the plays. It's like, hey, I'm here with you. I'm here to learn with you. I don't have all the answers myself. I'm just going to be consistent. I'm not going anywhere. And that is what a teenager is craving the most. Right.

[19:11] Katie Chandler: And is it? Also, they need to learn their own lessons, they need to make the mistakes, they need to fall on their face sometime. You can't save them from everything every second, right? And if you're doing that, they're pulling away more and then they're shutting down more. At least. I mean, I've noticed that in this house, my husband is definitely a helicopter parent. That's Amy's brother. He's rolling helicopter right into ten years old.

[19:45] Amy Sherman: He's like, more than helicopter, I would say.

[19:50] Will Elliott: You're exactly right. So I've spent a lot of time coaching kids. I've had some pretty awesome relationships that have lasted multiple years and not only from my own experience, but from their experience. They grow absolutely the most from falling on their face, like you say, and failing and missing a basketball team or getting rejected by a girl they like or whatever it may be. That's really hard in the short term, but it's awesome in the long term. And that ultimately kind of comes back to grit as well. It's like if you're robbing your kids of opportunities to build character through difficult times, short term hard leads to long term easy. That's what I've seen in my own life. I've spent so much time, I think, going through hard things that my parents allowed me to fail in, but that helped me develop the character to do the things that I love doing now. And so I always like to say, don't rob your kids of opportunities to develop character through short term hard. They need short term hard to have long term easy.

[20:56] Katie Chandler: Just say that again because so you said short term hard is going to say that again? Yeah, please.

[21:05] Will Elliott: Yeah. Short term hard is going to help your kids develop the character to experience.

[21:12] Katie Chandler: Long term versus short term easy. Rather, when they're children, making everything easy for them is going to potentially make the long term really hard for them because they're not going to develop any of the skill sets that they need or the character that they need to power through and to persevere and to become what they want to become, et cetera. Agreed.

[21:32] Will Elliott: Yeah, exactly. They probably will learn all of those things, but it could be when they're 25 or 30 years old, and that's when it's harder to learn those things because you have so many other things going on in life, from what I've noticed. Right. Yeah.

[21:50] Amy Sherman: I agree with that philosophy. I think sometimes, especially for high school kids, and I'm just thinking specifically on school, and I know you have a whole thing about, like, you shouldn't talk to your kids about grades all the time in school, and it's really hard not to, especially in high school, but that kind of stuff, especially with grades. And when you're in high school and it counts, it's really hard to have them do really bad on a test or when it really counts, it's painful, even though it's a good lesson. It's like when they're younger, like middle school, much easier. High school and the stakes are higher. How do you coach parents through that?

[22:24] Will Elliott: Yeah, school is really hard. I think for me, I was not a good student, and so it's easier for me to kind of look back and obviously acknowledge that school is not everything. I think that perspective is really helpful in and of itself. Just reminding yourself that school is not the only definition of success. Now, I empathize with parents out there because it is so important. I think especially in high school, because grades matter, you might be the one paying for college. You really want them to succeed in a good school. But I always like to say that your definition of success for your kid will be the thing that your actions follow. And so if your definition of success is really only school success, then of course you're probably going to nag. You're probably going to try to fix their situation in school. And the more that you can zoom out. My parents really regret not doing this. They were very zoomed in. They nagged me a lot. And they always kind of say, I wish I would have just zoomed out. I wish I would have just seen the bigger picture. Because a lot of the times, obviously, when we are zoomed in, we can't really see much around us the important things. We often lose sight of the important things. And I think the posture of school is the first thing I always like to work on with parents of just reminding themselves that it's not everything. And then from that posture, I think there are good things that you can do. And yeah, I'm open to talking about those too, but I really think the posture and zooming out is super important.

[24:01] Amy Sherman: Yeah, I think it's also super hard these days, too. To your point about social media, because you're hearing about high school and college and it's so competitive and everyone is insane about grades and school and competition. It's like, to your point, just taking a breath and zooming out and being like, everything's going to work out. It is hard to do that in the moment, but it is a great.

[24:21] Katie Chandler: And when you say zoom out, do you mean aside from just being so hyper focused on how they're performing in school, zoom out to see how are they doing? Personally, when you say zoom out, what do you mean?

[24:37] Will Elliott: Yeah, I mean, looking at it from a different perspective, and I think that brings a lot of things into the equation, I would certainly say giving yourself perspective of if your child gets a 70% on a test or if they get a c on their report card, I think accepting the fact that that's happened, zooming out, looking at it from a fresh perspective, looking at it in the big picture in mind, and then from there, then you can go forth and maybe set boundaries in the future, whether it's for screen time. I also think zooming out also looks at just a different version of success. Like, my parents knew that I was going to be successful because I was developing the character and I was failing a lot, and then I was learning from that failure. So the more that you can remind yourself that school, at the end of the day, is more about the character that your kids are developing than it is about the content they're learning, I think especially as they get older, that's another way to zoom out. But, yeah, I'd say those are the two biggest things. Everything changed for me for my schooling. I was a 2.2 GPA student until I started looking at school from the perspective of I get to learn character traits. So instead of I. I wasn't motivated in school because I didn't see the purpose. I was like, mom, I'm never going to use this math. I'm never going to x, y and z.

[25:56] Amy Sherman: This is what Jackson says to me all the time, by the way, when am I going to use this in the real world?

[26:00] Will Elliott: Yeah. And so the session that I always come back to with those types of kids is the one that completely changed my life. And my mentor came to me and said, it's not about the math that you're learning, but it's about the problem solving skills that you can learn in math. It's not about the history that you're learning, but instead it's about the study or the mindset of learning. And those are two things that certainly has helped me in my life. Right. So the more that I looked at it like that, I found more purpose, therefore I found more motivation and momentum, and I went from a 2.2 GPA student to a 4.0. And it wasn't because, wow, I was.

[26:36] Amy Sherman: In high school or in college.

[26:37] Will Elliott: This was in high school. Everything changed when I just started looking at it from a different perspective. But that really helped from leaders and mentors helping me zoom out because they were zoomed out.

[26:50] Amy Sherman: Were those mentors that you had in high school? Did your parents find someone for you to talk to? How did that.

[26:56] Will Elliott: Yeah, it was just a track coach. So my track coach was my biggest mentor in high school specifically. And then I found a couple more in college that taught me a lot of what I know, too.

[27:05] Amy Sherman: That's so special that you had someone in your corner to help you grow in that way. That's special. There's not a lot of coaches and teachers that are like that. So that's incredible.

[27:17] Will Elliott: Yeah. That's what I'm trying to change, though. So hopefully we'll have a lot of awesome mentors out there that can teach these kids these life principles, because, again, it changed my life and it continues to do so now.

[27:27] Katie Chandler: That's fantastic.

[27:30] Will Elliott: Yeah. Very grateful for them.

[27:33] Amy Sherman: Yeah. When you were talking about, we touched on this before about this motivation or intrinsic motivation around certain things, whether it be taking the trash or like a big one for us, too in the house is like meeting with seizures at school. Right. It's like you don't understand something or you do bad on a test or you have questions or just like building a relationship, even if you don't have questions, like that idea of doing something proactive, what you were saying before, like something hard now that will make it easier later and get. It's like that phrase, you can lead a camel to water, but you can't make them drink. There's that certain piece where it's like we're telling you all the things to do. If you're not doing it, you have all the resources at your fingertips. If you're not doing it, there's nothing we can do. But I feel like with both my kids, every year, there's like a little bit of improvement and there's a little bit more proactiveness. But again, is it a maturity thing? Is it eventually they'll lock in and all of a sudden they'll see value from it. What do you think about that?

[28:35] Will Elliott: Yeah. So I can speak from, obviously, my perspective or my experience and also the kids that I've coached. I think we lose sight of the idea that kids are going to find something that will motivate them down the road. The expectation that kids need to be motivated towards school, I think, is an unrealistic expectation. For the most part, they don't need to be motivated. For example, like, I wasn't really motivated to go and talk to my teachers or do those types of things.

[29:03] Amy Sherman: Right.

[29:03] Will Elliott: But the progress that you're mentioning is so important to recognize and also to remind yourself, because when they do, let's say, in college or potentially out of college, or if they don't decide to go to college, when they do find something that they are passionate about, or even if it's like 50% passionate about, more so than school, right. All of these things are going to come in handy. They're going to subconsciously be reminded of them because of the little habits that they get to pull from. So I always like to remind parents that thing that they're passionate about is coming. And when it does come, you're going to be blown away by all these little habits and how they start to improve them. It's kind of like a compounded growth scale. Right? So when they find that thing, their confidence skyrockets, their motivation skyrockets, and so on and so forth.

[29:57] Amy Sherman: Yeah, I totally agree with that. I mean, we're all like that, right? I wasn't a great high school student either. It was fine. But when I got to college, I was taking classes that I liked and I enjoyed them and I was passionate about them, so I did a million times better, which I know my kids eventually will be that way, too. It's just like the time in between letting them figure it out is hard, right. Because it's like you just got to have patience and know it's going to work out and they're going to find something. But in those teenage years, it's really hard, especially when they're not telling you things or rolling their eyes or not really giving you anything. It's hard to absolutely hang in.

[30:30] Katie Chandler: Right?

[30:30] Will Elliott: Yeah. And I like how you said patience. It really is patience. The world is really good at convincing you that everything won't be okay, or at least putting the questions in your mind of what if this happens or what if that happens. And so the more that you can just bring yourself back to the present moment and remind yourself that everything will be okay. That's always what I like to tell parents, because it really will.

[30:53] Amy Sherman: Yeah. And I do like the reminder of lowering expectations. I try to do that, and I always tell my husband that, too. He'll say things. And I'm like, you got to lower your expectations because that is not realistic. That is not going to happen. So. And so whatever he's like, well, why not? It should. I'm like, I have said that to lower expectations, which isn't, like a popular thing to say, but it is true. I mean, these are kids at the end of the day, even though they may seem like grown ups and you talk to them like grown ups, they're not fully developed, so these things aren't going to be perfect. It's a really good reminder. What are the teens telling you? Like you were saying you talk with a lot of parents. What are the teens telling you? What are the biggest things that are happening in their world? Like, what are they focused on and what annoys them about their parents? Everything. Besides everything.

[31:44] Will Elliott: Yeah. Okay. So I guess the common messages, I have a couple of deep ones that always come to my mind, and then one of the things that annoys them the most, I'll talk about that, too. But I would say they feel a lot of pressure, lots and lots of pressure from all directions. Like I was saying before, I feel like pretty much every single session, so I do group coaching as well as one on one coaching. And every single session I think kids are just saying how exhausted they are from the pressure of feeling like they have to have everything figured out. One example, and I know not many parents are like this, but I think a lot of schools do this. They put a lot of pressure on like 8th graders to have their future job figured out. And the amount of kids that come to me and they get super close minded towards goal setting is because in 8th grade they're being pushed to figure out what they want to do for a living. And so I think it's just from society they have this idea that they have to have everything figured out. And I always tell them, you could be 35 years old and not know what you want to do and you're still so young, you still have so much time. Right. And so, yeah, I think the pressure from society is the biggest thing. They really feel misunderstood. And I know pretty much everybody did as a teenager. I know I did as well. And so I think the more that parents can seek to understand rather than trying to be understood, I think it's the best thing that you can do for not only their confidence, but your connection with them. And then the one thing that they dislike is lecturing. And I talk about this all the time. I talk about this all the time. It's really important for parents to guide their teenagers. But when they are closed minded to hearing any type of advice, that's how I kind of define lecturing. So turning little things into life lessons, turning jokes into 30 minutes lectures, that's what they don't love. They just want you to seek their heart. And then from there they're going to be more open to those amazing gold nuggets of wisdom that you have for them. The long answer. But I know, yeah, I've heard a lot from kids, so I have about a billion more.

[33:59] Amy Sherman: Give us another one. That's a good one.

[34:02] Will Elliott: Another thing that they don't parents doing.

[34:04] Katie Chandler: Yeah.

[34:06] Will Elliott: Talking about school. Twenty four seven is definitely a big one. They really want you to invest in their interests. And for those of you watching or listening that think the only interest is video games, they want you to invest in that, too. It might take some time for them to open up about things like video games, for them to not roll their eyes that you're trying to watch them or ask them questions about it. But the more that you invest in their interests, the more they're going to be open to talking about school. That's just how it is. I always like to give the example of if you hated your job and you didn't like the people that you were working with, and you were there for 8 hours, and you also weren't very good at that job, and you came home from work and your whole family just wanted to talk to you about that job and the work that you had to do after that job, the job that you hated, you probably would not want to talk about that either. And that's exactly how they feel. So the more you can pull back from school, it's a win win. Not only do you connect with them better, but they also tend to do better in school because they don't feel like all this fear of failure, all the pressure that I mentioned before, too.

[35:12] Katie Chandler: It's interesting because they're at school all day long and it's like we don't lose them to school, but in a sense we kind of do. And we have no idea who they are in that classroom, what they're doing, if they're okay, if they're happy, if they're not happy. So I feel like for me, I'm trying to pull that out more than I'm like. So how'd you do on your recent test? Now, granted, I have fourth grader and a first grader, so it's very different. But it's hard as parents to not focus on that thing where they are all day long. But I can see the last thing they want to do is get into that. They're exhausted by it.

[35:52] Will Elliott: Yeah. And I think talking about schools is fine. I think sometimes I always tell parents to just do it after you've invested in their interests.

[36:02] Katie Chandler: Right.

[36:03] Will Elliott: The whole point of investing in their interests is to truly learn about their interests and show that you care about that. But it's also to open them up about the other things as well. And so, yeah, it's really tough. I think part of the issue is the school system. I'm not a huge fan of homework or those types of things. I mean, I don't need to talk about that, but it's just super hard for kids. I coach kids that have 4 hours of schoolwork after school and it's impossible for parents to connect with them and they feel misunderstood. And there's not a whole lot that parents can do in that situation because, yeah, there's not a whole lot. So I feel for parents out there, too, and the kids who got to.

[36:48] Amy Sherman: Do all that you mentioned earlier about sports and you being a d one athlete, because the whole sports and parents thing is like, there's just so many different types of parents around sports. But what's your feedback for kids that are athletes and my younger one's a really good athlete and my husband gives them a lot of constructive feedback, I would say, but I always feel like there's a time and a place. And what's your thought around giving feedback or whatever around sports?

[37:21] Will Elliott: That's a loaded question, I think. Yeah, I don't think it's a cookie cutter approach, and I think it's all very personal to the parent, to the kid, to the kid's goals, to the coach. I mean, all those different things. So I'll leave you with kind of a cop out answer for a parent to give feedback, but also make sure that they're showing up to listen. And that's using the critical question. I talk about it all the time, and it's going to your kids, let's say after a game or after a practice and asking, do you want feedback or do you just want to talk something along those lines? Do you want to vent or would you like advice? My parents and my dad specifically, he didn't know anything about baseball. He grew up in England, but he always gave me feedback for baseball, and it would always drive me crazy because he had no idea what he was talking about. And then it was totally different than what my coach was telling me, and it was just bad for me because I was kind of like the middleman here. And so I think the more that you can just show up and ask them if it's cool to give feedback, that'll literally tell you where they're at and what their headspace is and how open they are. And again, after you connect with them and, yeah, I always like to say connect before you. Correct. I think that's a common thing out there, but that works for parents looking to give feedback in sports, too. But, yeah, it's a hard question.

[38:45] Amy Sherman: No, I know it's different. And, yeah, that's a whole nother episode, probably. And then before you head out, two questions. First of all, we'd love to know. I'm sure everyone listening wants to obviously follow you. And what types of sessions do you do? Do you do personalized? It sounded like you do a variety of things. So can you tell us a little bit about how you work with parents and teens?

[39:05] Will Elliott: Yeah, so I don't do one on one coaching anymore. The main form of coaching that I do is through my app called unstoppable you. And so it's just a monthly membership that students can join. I make personal growth fun for kids and so we have weekly sessions. It's not a group call, but it's more of a live stream that is super fun. I give out gift cards and I do gamification and it's only 45 minutes long and kids absolutely love it. And then I also do parent coaching on the side to supplement that too. I have a podcast for kids and I just started that called unstoppable you or the unstoppable you podcast. Social media is the best way for parents to, I think, kind of get an idea of my coaching and that type of thing. But yeah, it's really just my app and podcasts.

[39:51] Amy Sherman: And what's your Instagram handle?

[39:52] Will Elliott: Is it coach coaching with Will?

[39:55] Amy Sherman: At coaching with Will? And so I'll leave you with this question. So you were saying that, and I'm thinking I'd love my teens to subscribe and listen to your app. How do I get them to open up about it? Like, if I say that, they'll roll their eyes, like, whatever. So how do you get them to actually do something like that? Because I think it would be so valuable for them.

[40:13] Will Elliott: Yeah, it would be, and it definitely is. But it also is extremely hard to get kids bought into this if your mom and dad, I've noticed, and we have a lot of statistics to back this up. 98% of kids who hop on one call are bought in for future calls just because they go into it thinking it's going to be like therapy, thinking it's going to be totally different than it is. I'm absolutely crazy. On live stream I go lots of enthusiasm, their language. I'm very much holding back right now, too, but yeah, so that's kind of one side of it. In March, I'm opening up a confidence cohort, which we're going to be talking about for twelve weeks. Everything under the sun of comparison, self talk mindset, sports mindset, confidence, all of that stuff. And I will probably be doing introduction calls. And so I call them buy in calls. They're ten minutes where kids just get a meet with me and that works 100% of the time. So there's not ever been a single kid after four years of coaching that has left a ten minute call with me not wanting to do it. And so those are super valuable and yeah, 100% success.

[41:20] Katie Chandler: What ages do you suggest this for?

[41:26] Will Elliott: Yeah, the unstoppable you app. I would say the sweet spot is twelve to 18. I have a lot of 910 year olds that get a lot out of it. I also coach some 23 year olds in the app. So if they're hungry to grow and they're open to grow, they're going to get a ton out of the content. I know some parents even jump on the student calls just to learn about confidence and they get a lot out of it too. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

[41:49] Amy Sherman: Okay, so it's not too late for my 16 year old to learn some.

[41:53] Will Elliott: Get them in here.

[41:54] Amy Sherman: I'm like, I did so many things wrong.

[41:56] Katie Chandler: You're an amazing mom. Well, thank you so much for your time. All right, we have a couple of wrap session questions for you before you go. What is your favorite wellness hack?

[42:09] Will Elliott: Cold plunging is absolute without a question. Cold plunging. Cold life sponsor is a partnership that I have and they are amazing and so cold plunging changed everything for me.

[42:21] Katie Chandler: Love that. Yeah, very.

[42:23] Amy Sherman: That's so great. Okay. And how do you maintain your daily nova? You have a lot going on. You have like super energy. You're dealing with kids. How do you kind of keep.

[42:31] Will Elliott: That's a good question.

[42:33] Amy Sherman: Keep the peace. Exactly.

[42:35] Will Elliott: So I'm a big runner. So that's what I did in college. So I would say running cold plunging, honestly is kind of an answer to that one as well. Yeah, I would say a little bit of a deeper answer, which is my third. And that is shifting my posture towards service. That always helps me find my nirvana is just reminding myself why I'm here on earth. And that is to impact kids. And that always kind of brings me back to feeling like I love to.

[43:03] Katie Chandler: Oh, that's so cool. Yeah, you do.

[43:07] Amy Sherman: So much. Thank you so much.

[43:09] Will Elliott: This was so much fun.

[43:10] Amy Sherman: Such good advice and such good feedback. Yeah, we could talk to you for hours, but we're going to tune into all of your sessions and coaching. I'm so glad we found you. And thank you for coming on and saying yes to our ask because I think this could help a lot of people. So we really appreciate it.

[43:26] Will Elliott: Well, yeah. Thank you so much for having me. You guys rock.

[43:28] Amy Sherman: Thank you. Thanks for listening to Nirvana Sisters. For more information on this episode, check out the show notes. Please subscribe and leave us a review. Also find us on Instagram at Nirvana Sisters. If you loved what you just listened to or know someone that would, please share it and tag us. Tune in next week for a fresh new episode of Nirvana Sisters. We'll continue to watch out for all things wellness. So you don't have to. Bye.

Editor’s Note: Please know that this podcast transcript is automatically generated and may contain minor errors such as typos and word switches. For more information, be sure to listen to the podcast here.